rambling thoughts

I’m sitting in a coffee shop, listening to The Civil Wars and Regina Spektor on Spotify whilst working on my PhD and I suddenly feel myself. It’s not this “Yay, I’m away from kids and listening to music and working” hurrah exactly, it’s something like I can imagine myself again, unencumbered, for a moment. Why I am an introvert. Listening with a slanted look to lyrics, feeling them in a way I haven’t felt in a very long time (the time when I’d write poems about piano sonatas or even just wrote anything beyond the FB status updates that consume us all). And I can breathe.

And then I wonder if this mothering thing that I do day in and day out is just something that has been a honed skill. What if motherhood isn’t *me*? For someone with now three children, the idea that there’s more than mothering is both terrifying and electrifyingly wonderful.

I’ve always known (and in the past really fought for) that I’m more than my role. But it’s amazing how much (good and bad) comfort we can find in roles, that by putting them on like clothes in the morning, we take satisfaction. Part of this is I think God-given, the glory in the mundane, daily work-a-dayness of life that we’re here for. At the same time, it can all too easily slip into identity.

It’s nice to get a glimpse of me, a relief to know she’s in there, changed and different because of the motherhood gig, but still there.

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3 Comments

  1. I remember that feeling when I went to Portland by myself a couple of years ago. It was like, ” oh, hi self, It’s been a while!”:) and it was refreshing and exciting to dust off some dreams and some clarity of thought, and most importantly remember that my identity, like you said, is ultimately found in Him, whatever role that may take. I trust he has great things for our souls in the rest of our mothering small children journey and then beyond!! This is a super long comment.

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  2. I love this post. You have such a way of putting words to things I feel but am too scared to say out loud. My thought on the subject: I often wonder if God made me a mother not because I am “good” at it, but because instead it is the one thing I have ever done where I feel like I am struggling every day….and maybe, just maybe, He wants me to have that kind of struggle. Every other thing I have put my mind to I have done well, or at least achieved some level of success, but mothering doesn’t feel that way to me; motherhood feels more like a battle than an achievement. BUT at the same time I love it. AND because of that every day I am humbled in a way I never have been before. Maybe that is what God wants…to do something that is not for *me* …that I don’t feel good at….that I forget who I am amongst the chaos of it (and have to pull away to coffee shops to remember).

    That is what I ponder …

    Thanks for your writings Ashley! Love them!

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